Pondering back on my experiences, skimming through my vault of flashbacks my gaze fell on this little muddy pool of memories that was infected with a miracle disease, rather enchanting. Within no time I was drowning in the current as the emotional wave became too tough to ride…..
Being caught in a tumultuous phase of my life I found solace in my pain, my solitude, my disease. As it turned out to be-pain became the most comfortable emotion for me, my solitude became the best company I could have and my disease became my cure.
As I went through this baptism by fire my life finally emerged out of the smoke and I was able to see daylight again. Like the saying goes – pictures change with perceptions, my perception began to evolve because of the new pictures I was seeing.
Eventually, the very space and mould I grew so comfortable in started feeling like shackles. Though I was not claustrophobic I felt like one, I felt suffocated, I felt like screaming as the walls closed in on me. I had to act. So I made a decision – to let go of the skin I had been living in for the last few years and start afresh, start naked…..
I must admit that the hunch I played seemed to pay-off well and it went on for another year or too. But somewhere down the line my conscience hadn’t completely accepted the new skin, there were scars that still remained and as a result of the conflict and agitation inside newer ones began to show and the older ones simply opened up. There were questions inside getting restless, wreaking havoc dying to meet their answers and so was I.
After endless bouts with sleeplessness and emptiness my thirst was quenched with the realization that what I had left behind wasn’t just my skin, it was my heart, it was my soul, it was my identity. Hence, after a period of synthetic illumination that kept me under a cloud, kept me away from the reality – that was darkness, I stepped into the real light that looked like the one inside of me as I became transparent. I saw the truth right in front of my eyes and realized, that if I were to live it would only be with that miracle disease that I had washed off myself like some malaise…!!